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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Oct 28, 2007 20:58:16 GMT
Your character's appearance is fine, besides from the "crippled" paw. Crippling injuries can often make your character sound very stu-ish.
Druston's personality is a little more of a problem. Let me explain; you should never state your character is the "best" or "one of the best" at something. You may imply he is skillful, but being the "best" is another characteristic of a stu.
The first part of your history is fine, right up until Druston leaves the village. Here, he grows stuish again with him being captured by vermin.
Onto your RP example: here I would advise using the spell-checker and reading through your work before posting. Bear in mind that, on this site, actions go in astericks and speech marks are not generally used. Most RP is also in the present tence.
For example:
^^^ This line is extremely stu-ish. I don't imagine it is very easy to cut off a rat's head, especially when you've mentioned that your character is very weak. If you must have Druston killing the rat, RP him stabbing it and describe the effort it takes with that injured paw of his and his lack of strength.
RP Grade 3
Good effort, but could you please re-post.
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Post by Tarkaan on Oct 28, 2007 21:01:19 GMT
He did not get captured by vermin. He barted with them to sail him somewhere. And its called dead mans grip. Dead mans grip is where someone in extreme pain or dying kills someone or does something not possible for what is going on. So that is the rats death. And I did use the spell-checker and the astericks I am not used to using those but I will try. Also if I do it again with another rp example does it have to be with Druston?
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Oct 28, 2007 21:07:31 GMT
Apologies, I didn't notice any astericks, (*). Fair enough about him bartering with the vermin, however dead man's grip does not quite work like that. What happens, basically - though I won't pretend to be an expert in matters such as autopsy and similar - is as the brain closes down, the body becomes immobile and static, often tightening its grip on things in dying moments. Unless you wish to create an alt, please RP as Druston.
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Post by Tarkaan on Oct 28, 2007 22:23:11 GMT
Name:Druston Deadpaw
Gender:male
Species:Ferret
Appearance:Druston is a brown male ferret with black eyes. He has a crippled right paw. He wears a blood red tunic with a picture of a ship on the left side.
Weapon:sword across the back and spear in hand
Age:teen(18 years old)
Personality:Druston is very weak, but he makes up for his weakness with skill. He is an expert swords ferret and spears ferret.
History:Druston Deadpaw was born into the village of Vardag. His father was the leader of the village. Everything he knows he was taught from his little brothers friends dad. His fathers bodyguard as tradition taught him. Since Druston was not an albino ferret he was not going to be the leader of the village but his little brother would. So he left the village when he was 15. He was traveling for many years. And during his travels he learned about many searats that wanted to burn the village. One being Captain Valath Bat. The fearsome pine marten captain. In the end Druston was able to get Captain Valath Bat to sail him somewhere. But it was a trap for Druston. So in a fight with a crew member of the ship Black Barnacle his paw was crippled. He had it bound in chain mail by Valath Bat. But he was dumped by salamandstron. he would have been killed if he did not keep traveling and find Terralux.
Short RP Example : *Druston woke up having now clue where he was. He looked around him and saw a banner with a bat flying on it. He instantly knew where he must be. He must be at the tavern of the bat runners. Druston felt around for his spear or sword but neither were there. He sighed thinking he was helpless. But he heard a voice.* who are you? *Druston turned and saw the shadow of a fox.* I am Druston son of the ruler of the village Vardag. Who are you?*The fox crawled forward weakly.* I am Irmorn's father. Captain Irmorn of the Deatheye. *Druston was shocked to see a creature in such bad shape as the fox.* I will try to get us out of here. *The fox just looked at him blankly Druston got up and started pacing thinking of a way to escape. He had nothing so he thought about what happened. He remembered being welcomed into a fort then being knocked unconscious by a glass. He finally remembered it. It was not a fort he was in but a Tavern.* This is not a prison its a Tavern. *The fox looked at him confused* It is? *Druston nodded.* It is I remember it all some one knocked me out but yes it is a tavern. But the problem is we are locked in here.
OOC: Is that better?
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Oct 28, 2007 22:29:18 GMT
That's much better, Druston. Asterisks, fine. No speech marks, good. Very few spelling and grammatical errors now. RP a bit more on the forum, maybe join in or start a quest on the Quest board, RP your character in a less tense/violent scenario at the Tavern or the Myth, Murk & Legend Festival and you'll be well on your way to being promoted to RP Grade 2! Tavern Quest Board Festival EDIT: I should've mentioned, but it's not considered good manners to barge into an RP with your character asking, "What just happened?" Make your entrance carefully or start a new thread.
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Oct 28, 2007 22:37:27 GMT
Just a note about me. I tend to rp insane evil characters best so almost all my character have a killing streak. Okay, make sure you don't go overboard as that can make your characters stuish too. However, if this "killing streak" you mentioned is written and RPed well, then I don't see why you can't become a successful RPer.
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Post by Udumchoke Danaira Srichaphan on Jan 2, 2008 21:22:13 GMT
Name:Udumchoke Darania Srichaphan
Gender:Male
Species:Ferret
Appearance: Udumchoke has a muscular, plump build to him. He is like the Mona Lisa smile: a cross between a frown and a smile, except he is a cross between flab and muscle. He firmly believes that the muscle comes from his vermin ancestors (and that the flab comes from all the stolen candied chestnuts!). His body is covered in hoarse, tan hairs that gradient down to deep brown on his tail and feet. A pink, wet nose is hidden behind a face that has color layers of both tan and deep brown. Small stubs of ears poke out of his head, raw and salmon comparable. Deep black eyes stare out at you that have a jubilant sense to them; almost as if they are laughing. Thin, scruffy whiskers erupt from the side of his nose. His claws are sharp but not lethal, as are his fangs. All of these observations could be seen only if Udumchoke was buck naked.
Udumchoke always wears a white, simple robe that is made of a thin materiel that is just strong enough to hold on from day to day. Loose strings fray from the side, but Udumchoke refuses to remove them. A leather sandal adjourns each of his feet. A golden chain clings to his neck as if there is no tomorrow: his clans sign is carved in it. His robe contains a pocket in which he carries around his daily necessities: his gullwhacker, a book, and a small piece of art and a beaker of fizz
Weapon:Shortbow
Age : 24 seasons
Personality (quirks, faults, skills): Udumchoke often likes to seclude himself from the pack; he prefers the back seat, as there is more room. He is an obsessive reader, and often is caught wishfully thinking. When he is concentrated on something, very little can break his focus. He will simply whack you in the head. It is suggested you heed his warning. Though Udumchoke rarely gets angry, when he does, his rage consumes his whole body for a minute of blind fury. Being an apologetic creature, Udumchoke is always one to apologize. He is always kind and nice to others no matter what other dibbuns think; though eventually they do get on his nerves. He tends to stick to the rules and not be too extravagant with his living: he prefers it simple. Sometime he sits around and does nothing but daydream all day. His views on life are just as simple and plain as his clothing; he believes one should get married, and live together for life.
After all of his reading, Udumchoke has learned much and is commonly consulted by other dibbuns for advice; you could consider him highly respected but not in the inner circle of sorts. Though he is intelligent and timid, this does not mean he is no fun. He is a totally different person around close friends and family; a total wildcard. He is only seemingly secluded to the general public. The reason he only lets his true colors show around his family is because he is frightened he will embarrass himself when he is himself in publicity. He is just naturally timid. Sometime he can be a worrywart also. His worrisome nature commonly causes him some minor stress. He is very responsible and always does the rule abiding thing, no matter if he is being immature. He takes quite a while to make large decisions, and hates being rushed. He is generally humble, but one thing he prides himself on is his heritage; he comes from the famous ferret clan Paradorndanai. He can be very sensitive, and always lets his tears show, especially in private. He has spent many a night crying him to sleep over useless little things. He often expresses his feelings by writing, as he does it very little verbally. He likes things that remind him of other things; reminiscent liking comes naturally. He can be a health freak and hates eating unsanitary or unhealthy food. Some of his favorites meals are the otters Hotroot Soup (keeps a fire in his belly), Vegetable Casserole a la Foremole, and Deeper n’ ever Turnip n’ Tater pie. He loves Strawberry fizz, and likes to have a sip of October ale whenever he can sneak to the cellars for a bit. He obsesses over Blackberry Trifle and Loamhedge Nutbread. He loves to read through Recorders archives, and his favorite artist if Miss Ringe, of whom he carries a small artwork done by her around.
History-Udumchoke was born in to the famous vermin clan of Paradorndanai. His parents were general clan members, neither at a high rank nor a low rank. Udumchoke’s father was the scroll keeper, his mother a general warrior. The clan would pummel villages, burn down homes, etc. One day in the clan, there was a major revolt over whether to try to capture Redwall Abbey or not. Half of the clan said no, whereas the other half said yes. Udumchokes parents were in the half that disagreed with the decision to pummel the Abbey. They broke off from the clan and swiftly headed to the Abbey to alert the Abbess that they would be attacked soon.
They had arrived too late. The other half of the clan had already begun to attack the abbey, with the abbey goers valiantly fighting back, to no avail. The other half of the vermin crew joined for the defense of the abbey. Udumchoke was hidden away in a room with the friar and the other dibbuns. He was consoled by the friar and the other dibbuns quickly allied with him no matter what their differences were. He felt accepted when the vermin clan was rude and rejecting.
As the noise ceased, the friar eased out and saw the abbey goers still standing, along with the good half of the vermin crew. A giant cheer broke out and the pack headed inside for a feast. After a few hours and a long night of consulting, Udumchokes parents decided to remain at the abbey. Udumchoke was overjoyed and began to tour the Abbey. As he walked along, he found his dibbun dormitory, and the kitchen, the cellars and more, but the room he was most attracted to was the library: filled with books of knowledge, the knowledge that flowed in his blood. After all, his father was a scroll keeper in a famous vermin clan. But this was beyond what he hoped for.
Udumchoke and his parents currently live in the abbey, having fun and learning daily.
OOC: I only did up to Dibbun years because he is a dibbun, right?!
Short RP Example: "Salute your superiors. Now. Just because we're being invaded does not mean military custom goes out of the window altogether."
**At this imperative statement, Udumchoke instantly put his paw to his forehead in a lopsided salute. Boy, these Horde boys were strict. The whole horde was being destroyed and they still made you salute? Udumchoke found it utterly ridiculous. But still, if he wanted to live, he was in good hand. He must obey if he felt like seeing the dawn of tomorrow. Straightening up, he looked around. Through the window, he saw ships filled to the brim with enemy. Udumchoke’s body froze right on the spot, star struck. One after another, the ships piled in to the harbor, each one looking more vicious than the one before it. This was disgusting, adding insult to injury. Udumchoke despised the situation all at once, going from exhilarated to paralyzed with fear. He had no idea what he was to do except to sit around and watch the destruction in plush chairs. What a horrible way to go down. Alll of a sudden, Typhoon exploded as he finally noticed the ships**
"SHIPS! SHIPS! ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON! FILLED WITH SOLDIERS!"
**This scream got Udumchoke’s gears churning again. Everyone’s eyes tensed right to the window where they too, saw the ships pulling into the harbor. Udumchoke put the back side of his furry paw on to his forehead, feeling sweat drench it instantaneously. This was bad, not like a petty bad, but a horrible bad. Udumchoke had no idea how he was going to get through this. Doubt was a major issue in his mind. Even if he escaped in to a ship or somewhat, they had plenty of enemy ships and could easily harthingy them down. If they tried to escape through the Horde, they would have rioters and crazed horde members attacking them every which way. Udumchoke saw absolutely no way out. But that was certainly not the way he was raised to be. Even though his dad had been pushy, and bossy and prevented him from having a regular dibbunhood, he had brought him up well, and he needed to use this well bringing in times of dilemma like so. When life gives you naughty dibbuns, you give them a bath. When life gives you a difficult situation, you come up with a situation. It was simply the nature of the world, and Udumchoke was going with the flow of it.**
"Ye there, go an' fetch supp'ies fer a jour'ey. On'y th' crea'ures in 'is office are comin' alon'. Th' res' of th' idio's will stay 'ere and die. Eve'yone get rea'y, but be quick abou' it. If ye' not rea'y in 'alf an 'our, ye'll be lef' 'ere te die. Dismissed, an' no que'ions asked."
**These words interrupted the ferret’s train of thought, but for good reason. They were going on a journey away! At least someone in the group had thought something up. Good thing that duty had not been left to Udumchoke, or else they all would have been massacred by now. Once again, good thing. Udumchoke nodded at the Officer and quickly yet stealthily, hurried out the door. How could he get back to his dormitory barrack in all of thirty minutes? Yet again, the doubt crept in to his mind, like a spider up it’s newly made web. How long did he really have until something horrid befell him? This couldn’t be. The ferret decided he must concentrate on the positive, be a temporary optimist. All his life he had been trained by negativity. If you want success, you must work for it. A good life doesn’t grow on trees. But now, for once in Udumchoke’s life, he needed to be optimistic. This was a daunted task indeed. It was probably the most daunting task he had needed to accomplish in recent years-being positive just to live. But Udumchoke was up for it, as always. After all, Paradorndanai ferrets never back down.**
**As Udumchoke made his way through the rioting village back to the barracks, being as positive as possible, he though of the things he would need to bring. The ferret would certaintly use his rucksack to carry his stuff, the rucksack that had gotten him from redwall and all over. Udumchoke enjoyed reminiscing about the old days where he would wander at his own will, doing whatever he pleased with any number of partners of accomplices. When Udumchoke joined the famous Horde, he had expected to settle, make a living, get some treasure, work his way up the ladder. The ferret was doing pretty well too, until of course, the riot. It went and ruined it all, like the Horde did to numerous villages, clans and families. It was karma-what goes around comes around. Darn, he though. What a crummy system. But what happened could not be changed. What is, what is. Of course, he would also bring his shortbow which also had gotten him through many tough times as well as the rucksack. It was a beautiful old thing, made with different types of woods, graduating from dark wood to light wood. It was also very good camouflage. What else could he stuff in to his loyal bag? Some October ale he had been saving for a special occasion (he had hoped to save it for a Horde promotion) would do finely. Of course a loaf or two of nut bread would be good. Udumchoke could grab his old darts and a bottle of poison, which would surely be quite useful. Ringe’s old art piece would suffice for a good reminder he wasn’t bad to the bone, a useful reality check. And of course, he would bring a book on Loamhedge’s history in which was his favorite novel of all. Last but not least, he would bring a little piece of the Redwall Abbey tapestry Udumchoke had stolen when he was naught but a dibbun.**
**The rodent arrived at the barrack generally undisturbed, nothing but a scratch here or there. Being as quick as possible, he removed his rucksack and his shortbow from under the bed. Udumchoke slung the bow around his chest like a bag and moved on to find the rest of his materiel possessions. Going to the top drawer or his bureau, he ripped open the drawer and grabbed out his Ale, art, and darts with the poison. Slamming the cabinet shut, the ferret stooped down, and grabbed the wooden handle of the cabinet. Flinging it open with all of his might, his furry hand darted in to the dark space, searching and feeling around for the nut bread, the book and the tapestry. Quickly finding the food and the book, he tossed them in his rucksack and stuck his hand back in for the tapestry. For a jutting moment, Udumchoke frightened himself, thinking he had lost the precious fabric which was one of the few memories he still harbored of the quaint, sandstone abbey. Of course, in a second of horrible numbness, Udumchoke found the fabric which had been stowed deep in a corner. Inserting it in his book, the rodent closed the top of the bag and threw it on his sweat saturated back. Scurrying loudly out the door, Udumchoke sighed in distress of the most recent dilemma.**
**Instead of going through the village which was much swifter, yet more dangerous and risky, Udumchoke decided to take the road lest traveled by going through the woods. As he darted through spiny plant and trees alike, he constantly nodded his heart shaped head in dismay. This really was depressing, what the Horde had come to. Riots and attacks is what it had come to, and he hated it. Udumchoke wondered who was attacking the Horde. Was it his old Abbey crew, Redwall? Or some of the migrant shrews he traveled with down Moss River? Maybe it was the bats, like his friend Bayleef in which he had spent months with in caves. Even possibly, it could be the rebuilt Loamhedge Abbey. Or a mixture of all of the above. Udumchoke certainly didn’t know, and doubted he ever would. Another distressing thought came in to his mind-who would he stay with? Would the 5 in the office stay together and recreate a new Horde? Would the ferret be accepted back at the Abbey? He honestly doubted it, but still, possibly. Arriving at their rendezvous just inside the forest, Udumchoke almost ran into Legolas. Proudly displaying his rucksack, he grinned and announced with a salute.**
“I’m back. When do we get leaving, officer?”
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Jan 2, 2008 21:30:17 GMT
I'm going to leave it to Tinsy or Stoakly to grade this, but regarding your character's age? You RP at one age on all boards unless permission is sought, (NB: Terragon, Ashnel, Danniar and Robin all age 1 year every 2 years or so (when Robin and I remember)). In the Record Tents, it says Udumchoke is 24 years of age.
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Post by Udumchoke Danaira Srichaphan on Jan 2, 2008 21:31:32 GMT
Okay thanks, it had multiple ages so I filled out all of them...i fixedit
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Jan 2, 2008 21:41:06 GMT
Mm. Don't modify your post apart from that, though.
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Post by Tinsy Stormsight on Jan 2, 2008 21:48:51 GMT
Okay...I'd give you a Grade 1, looks good. Just don't inflate.
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Jan 2, 2008 22:01:35 GMT
Udumchoke, I'm going to place you at Grade 2 for now, but aim to get you promoted once I'm confident that you're confident with RPing on Terralux. Could you also post Udumchoke's history up to when he arrives at Terralux/present? (The approved Geordie technique for Grade 1 or 2, undecided).
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Post by Aurora C. on Feb 22, 2008 22:26:36 GMT
Name:Aurora Ivywind Crimsonpaws
Gender, Species, Appearance: Aurora is a sturdily-built, average-height mousemaid, with golden fur and unnaturally reddish-crimson paws. She isn't a very pretty maiden, just your usual young girl, gazing at you with flickering, clever hazel eyes. She dons a scarlet tunic for dress, and a plain old brown one for battle, with a thick black belt. Aurora heavily dislikes going barefoot, and always wears a pair of black boots.
Weapon: Five throwing knives, a rapier, and a sling. Usually, however, she only carries the knives, only taking the rapier and sling for a real battle.
Age: 18 years
Strengths:Aurora is a determined, hard-working maiden: highly ambitious and able to do anything in order to get what she wants. She is very social; an excellent conversationalist. and friendly if she decides you're an adequate friend. Aurora's courage and compassion, always ready to risk her life to help somebeast in need, makes up for her fauls. However, when her nerves aren't acting up (which isn't that often, but at least it happens) she is a clever strategist and a skilled fighter; relaxed and graceful.
Faults: As mentioned before, Aurora has a rather headstrong, daring nature; preferring the life of the roving warrior, like her father, to the peaceful ones of the beasts at Redwall Abbey. However, her personality also has a wild and stubborn side, with a sharp and witty tongue that makes her plenty of new friends; or, on the other hand, gets her into trouble. She also has a habit of being nosy, constantly eavesdropping on business considered private by others. Aurora has a problem with nerves; she reacts horribly under pressure, makes rash and desperately foolish decisions, and gets agitated, nervous, and impatient incredibly fast. Aurora is mean enough to bully beasts she doesn't like to get what she wants. Rather selfish, and rude, even though she is not vain. Though clever, she loses her head too quickly.
Skills: Aurora is a proficient knive- and javelin-thrower, and is okay with other blades and slings. However, she is a horrible archer. History:Um, can you see my post in Terraluxian Scrolls? I'm feeling a bit too lazy right now to repost it, but I can if you want.
RP Example: **The golden mousemaid clung on for her life to the thick tree limb, hoping beyond hope Calathea would come back down and help her. The pesky squirrelmaid had shot straight up to the top, not even bothering to help her companion. Aurora had never been a good tree-climber, and to climb to the top of a tall oak? That, for sure, was the last straw. The mousemaid let out a groan as her reddish paws grew sweaty and they slid a centimeter. Kicking desperately out at the wide, barky tree trunk, Aurora winced in pain as her footpaw found a rather barky, rough grip on a big splinter. That was why she liked to wear boots. But then... who wore heavy boots when climbing trees?
Nevertheless, a sigh of relief escaped her lips as she found a pawhold for the other footpaw. Clutching the branch with every ounce of her strength, the mousemaid began directing her bare paws upward, hoping beyond hope that they could reach the thick branch she was hanging on. Then she could swing over. Yet when she was almost there, her left footpaw slipped, causing the other one to dangle again too. Dangit. Aurora cursed heavily. Stupid mousemaid. Almost there and you let it slip away. Now you have to start over.
Setting her tired paws half-heartedly on the tree once more, Aurora had scarcely gone a few steps when they slipped off again. Aurora struggled against her impatience and agitation, trying to calm down enough to overcome her problem with nerves. Inch by inch, the mousemaid forced her splintered and aching footpaws to "climb" up the tree trunk again. At last! The plan was succeeding so far. Carefully, with utmost attention, Aurora pulled herself up to a fork in the branch. Exhausted and totally drained of strength, the golden maiden sat herself in the fork, thanking the fact that Mystic had played those flipping, twisting, and hanging games with her on a metal bar in babehood. Nothing else had worn her out so much in her life! Annoyed, Aurora set out to conquer the next, thinner branch, a grim smile finding its way across her face. One branch down, and... what? Like twoscore more to go. That's why Dad always said climbing trees was for squirrels, not mice.**
EDIT: Um, I just went through it and fixed some grammar problems. Is that alright?
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Post by Terragon Scrufftail on Feb 23, 2008 9:38:43 GMT
That's fine. It's people modifying their posts after I've commented and saying, "I didn't make any mistakes!" that annoys me. Fine. Family seperated by vermin can make your character a little sue-ish, however the balance of strengths and flaws manages to out-weigh this. Female warrior? You just manage to get by without turning Aurora into a sue by mentioning her lack of physical strength in the RPing example. Well done. Something to consider though is that we mainly use present tense here. Other than that, very good. Grade 1. Congratulations.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, the crimson paws thing is a little odd. Where your character a grey squirrel, it might make more sense. You could say the colour is more brown than red, but crimsonpaws is a more dramatic title? Or maybe Aurora dyes her fur with plant dye, like henna or something. Anyway, my point is, be careful how you RP it.
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Post by Aurora C. on Feb 23, 2008 13:10:49 GMT
MAybe this is spam, but oh well.
Thanks Terri! Yeah, maybe I'll edit her profile so she dyes it red or something like that. Oh. Guess I'll have to get used to RPing in present tense.
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